


don't carry the world upon your shoulders

by amory



Series: take a sad song and make it better [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bad Parenting, Childhood Friends, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Drug Use, F/M, Family Issues, Jealousy, Kid Fic, Lots of Cuddling, M/M, Rehab, Single Parent Harry, The Beatles AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 23:13:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11300805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amory/pseuds/amory
Summary: Scenes fromtake a sad song and make it betterfrom Harry's point of view





	don't carry the world upon your shoulders

_August, 2001_

Harry meets Chloe in June after a show in London.

She’s waiting with the scores of other girls to see them, and she really shouldn’t stick out as much as she does to Harry. She’s shorter than the rest, with blonde hair and fierce eyes, and Harry feels called to her immediately. She’s pretty, and funny, and just what he needs to forget that terrible sort of feeling he gets when he sees Louis flirting with one of the sound guys.

It’s awful, having to watch Louis flirt with men, always has been. Not in any sort of negative way, of course, but it always makes Harry…well, he supposes he’s frustrated.

It frustrates him watching Louis lean towards someone else, watching him laugh, and tease, and cock his hip, and smirk. All things that are usually saved for Harry, all things that soon leave Harry pouting and irate and confused at his own anger. He needs to blow off that frustration somehow, and Chloe does that well enough.

She’s an easy distraction that quickly turns into more than that. They hit it off, and start seeing each other more and more before Harry and the boys have to head away to Ireland, and then France, and then across a sea. They aren’t exclusive-well, Harry isn’t anyway-but they’re good friends, they make each other laugh, and they give each other great head.

Maybe something could come of it, Harry often thinks, if he could only understand his feelings for his best friend. Maybe if he could finally understand that difference he feels deep down between objectively looking at women, and looking at Louis.

They write letters to each other, mostly because Chloe likes to think of herself as a romantic, but also because they can’t email or call. Chloe’s parents are strict, and if they had any idea what she and Harry were doing they would lock her up in her bedroom and throw away the key. The two of them like to hide their letters in a cloak of romanticism, though, like star-crossed lovers trying desperately to reach each other across an ocean.

But the letter Harry receives from Chloe towards the end of their tour is anything but romantic.

It’s short and to the point, and when he opens it his entire life changes. The world tilts on its axis, and he’s terrified, so he goes where he always does when he’s scared and unsure.

To Louis.

And in the usual order of things, Louis feels like he solves every problem Harry has in an instant. He doesn’t of course, he just holds Harry and looks a bit terrified himself while telling Harry everything will be okay, but Harry has to believe him. He doesn’t know how else to survive this.

“I love you, Lou. I’m sorry,” he whispers.

There are really a hundred things Harry is apologizing for as he hides his face against Louis’ chest. He’s sorry for waking him up, sorry for always bringing groupies back, sorry he wasn’t more careful with Chloe, sorry the condom broke, sorry for ruining their career.

Most of all, though, Harry is sorry that he’ll never get the chance he needs to figure himself out now. He’s sorry that he’ll never be able to tell Louis how he really feels, because in an instant his priorities have completely shifted forever.

“It’s okay,” Louis whispers back. “I love you too, H.”

The words sting. Harry closes his eyes shut, wishing he was anywhere but here, anyone but himself, and sobs himself to sleep in Louis’ arms.

 

* * *

 

_April, 2002_

Harry comes running out of the delivery room as soon as he can, still wearing the scrubs the hospital had insisted on, feeling like his heart is about to burst. There are only three people in the waiting room, all of them for him. His family.

“It’s a boy,” Harry laughs, startling them up from staring at old magazines and early morning television.

Anne is on her feet in an instant, wrapping Harry in her arms and laughing. “Oh, darling,” she whispers against his ear. “I’m so happy. Is he okay? How’s Chloe?”

“They’re both fine, he’s perfect,” Harry tells them, moving to hug his sister next.

They hadn’t taken the news well right away, his sister and his mum. Of course they were upset-he was eighteen and barely out of the house and announcing he’s having a baby-but they’ve slowly warmed up to the idea. Gemma is excited to be an aunt, and she sighs happily when she hugs him.

“Congrats, baby brother,” she whispers.

Finally, there’s Louis. He stands up out of his plastic chair and hugs Harry tight as soon as Gemma and Anne back away.

“I told you,” he says. “I told you everything was going to be okay.”

They stay there holding one another for far longer than they should, Harry burying his face against Louis’ neck. As much as Harry has tried to push away those feelings, he can’t completely be rid of them. There’s always going to be those lingering butterflies in his stomach anytime he’s the center of Louis’ attention.

“I want you to meet him,” Harry says.

Louis pulls away, looking confused. “Shouldn’t you bring your mum in first?” he asks, looking towards Anne who shakes her head.

“No, we want you,” Harry replies. “It’s important, come on.”

He doesn’t wait for Louis to find an excuse, he simply grabs Louis by the hand and tugs him into the new room where Chloe is waiting.

It hits him all over again as soon as he walks in the door and sees them. Chloe is sitting up in bed, hair pulled back in a messy bun, whispering to their son who is nothing but a bundle of blankets in her arms. She’s smiling at him and running her fingertip over his perfect little nose, tickling his palm until he squeezes back.

God, he’s a fucking father. He has a son.

“Oh,” Louis breathes from the doorway, looking choked up.

Chloe looks up and beams. “Lou,” she says. “Come here, come hold your godson.”

Harry grins at the words, but Louis looks like he’s going to cry as he processes the words.

“Why…I don’t-”

“Louis,” Harry interrupts. “Go on, yeah?”

And without any other questions, Louis crosses the room to Chloe. She grins at him and carefully places their son in Louis’ arms. He doesn’t need any instruction, immediately holding the baby just as he should. Even Harry had to take some time with a nurse to learn how to support his son’s head properly, but Louis is a natural.

He’s crying, Harry realizes. Louis is crying as he looks down at the boy, gently thumbing over his face.

“Oh, babe,” he breathes, turning to kiss Chloe on the forehead. “He’s absolutely beautiful. You did so well, I’m so proud of you.”

The praise makes Chloe’s already flushed cheeks a bit pinker and she leans into Louis’ side as he sits down beside her. “Thanks, Lou,” she murmurs.

“Have you decided on a name finally?” Louis asks, still not looking away from his godson for even a moment.

The two of them had been notoriously indecisive these past nine months. They’ve gone through a million names, trying them out with different middle and nicknames, buying tens of baby name books that turned up useless, even trying to make up their own name-but they’ve got it now.

Chloe nods and reaches out to gently run the tips of her fingers through their son’s full head of hair. “Jude,” she whispers. “He’s called Jude.”

“I love it,” Louis says immediately. He lifts the baby up a bit higher and smiles as he whispers, “Jude Styles, proper popstar name. Hey, Jude, I’m Louis. We’re going to be great friends, aren’t we lad?”

Jude makes a noise halfway between a snuffle and a snore and Louis beams.

“Jude Louis Styles,” Chloe says.

And Louis freezes him.

It was the only easy decision they’ve made so far about their son, naming him after Louis. This entire pregnancy has just shown them who their real friends are, and who they really can call family. Louis has never once wavered in supporting them-not just Harry, which would be a given, but Chloe as well.

He was Chloe’s shoulder to cry on when she was kicked out of her father’s house after telling him the news. He let both Harry and Chloe stay with him in his flat in London while they worked on finding a home for themselves. He helped the both of them through fights, late night cravings, decorating the nursery, the wedding, all of it.

And besides all of that, Louis has been Harry’s best friend since he was eight. Harry wants his son to know just how important his godfather is to their little family.

“That’s a ridiculous name,” Louis laughs through his tears. “Are you sure you want to saddle him with that?”

“Yes,” Chloe says. “You deserve it, Lou, you’re his godfather. He’s going to look up to you his whole life, and after all you’ve done for us you deserve that. I think it sounds perfect.”

Louis looks up to Harry who smiles and finally crosses the room to them. “I think so too,” he says, reaching out for Jude who’s sleeping peacefully cradled in Louis’ arms. Harry smiles and watches as Jude reaches for his finger and holds on tight.

“Okay,” Louis murmurs, gently reaching out for Jude’s other hand. He smiles down at the baby and Harry immediately focuses on the way his eyelashes brush his cheeks when he blinks, the blue of his eyes as he smiles, and the curve of his lips.

He’s so screwed.

 

* * *

 

_May, 2003_

Jude’s first word is mama, followed quickly by dada, and then Lou-and after he says Lou, it’s all he ever says.

“Lou Lou Lou,” Jude babbles, slapping Louis’ face. “Mama, Lou Lou Lou.”

Chloe laughs. “That’s right darling, we’re here just for you to see Louis.”

Jude bursts out laughing and rubs his hands all the scruffy beard Louis is growing. Louis grins and pretends to gnaw on Jude’s fingers in his mouth, which sets Jude off even more.

“How have you been, my love?” Louis asks him quite seriously, like Jude might suddenly gain a larger vocabulary. “Are you behaving for your parents, or are you causing trouble?”

Harry laughs at the two of them. “He’s wreaking absolute havoc.”

“That’s my boy!” Louis praises, tickling Jude’s sides. “Sneaking out, partying all night, bringing girls home, the like.”

Chloe rolls her eyes. “Louis if he ever does any of those things you’ll be entirely to blame.”

“He wouldn’t,” Louis says, carrying Jude over to his couch and sitting down with the boy in his lap. “Would you, darling? Huh? You’d never upset Mummy like that, you’re our very best boy.”

Jude giggles and lays his head down against Louis’ neck. “Lou,” he mumbles, wrapping his arms around Louis’ torso. “Lou Lou Lou.”

“Lou Lou Lou,” Louis agrees. “That’s me. You get to spend the whole night here with me while Daddy and Mummy go on a date. Can you say _date_ , Jude? Can you say, _Jude_ _’s a big brother_?”

Chloe barks out a laugh and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, right.”

Harry winces but says nothing. They haven’t had sex in months. Three months to be exact, and it was an even longer wait before then. It isn’t something Harry can control, but he still feels awful for it.

Before they leave, Chloe goes through all of Jude’s things, telling Louis where the diapers are and everything else that’s in his bag. Harry sets up Jude’s portable cot for Louis and then the two of them are leaving Louis and Jude in his flat. They’re too scared to leave their son with a babysitter, but seeing him laying happily in Louis’ arms is enough to make them practically run out the door.

They go out to a little restaurant they know they won’t be seen in for dinner. It’s fun at first, their first time out without Jude in ages. They talk and laugh and Harry holds Chloe’s hand over the table and it’s great. For the first time in ages Harry feels like they’re okay.

Until later, when they’re in their hotel room for the night, and Chloe is all over him but he feels nothing.

“Harry,” she breathes. “What’s wrong? Look at me.”

He does, and he should feel something. Chloe leans over him, shirtless and flushed, lips swollen from kissing, big doe eyes blinking at him. She looks beautiful, she always does, and she deserves to have someone appreciate that. Lately that person hasn’t been Harry.

“I’m sorry,” Harry mutters. “Chlo, I-”

Chloe pushes him away and gets out of bed. She pulls her shirt back on and throws her hair up in a sloppy ponytail.

“Where are you going?” Harry asks.

Chloe scoffs. “Away, because you obviously don't want me.”

“Chlo, no,” Harry starts. “Baby, it's not that.”

Chloe whirls around and glares at him. “What is it, then? Is it because of the baby weight?”

“No,” Harry says, quickly rolling out of bed and jumping to his feet. “No, Chloe, it isn't you. It's nothing to do with you, I promise. You're beautiful, I love you.”

Chloe says nothing as Harry approaches her. He gently fits his hand against her neck and leans down to kiss her.

“Is it Louis?” she asks when they pull away, and Harry jumps back like he's been burned.

“What?”

Chloe rolls her eyes. “Don't act like it's a ridiculous thing to suggest,” she says. “I've seen the way you look at him, I'm not stupid.”

Harry feels like the room is closing in on him as the secret he’s been trying so desperately to hide for himself is out in the open. “ _What_? No, Louis-I don't-he's my best friend, Chloe. It isn't like that, I don't…that's ridiculous.”

“Is it?” Chloe asks.

It isn't, but Harry isn't going there tonight. He isn't delving into that part of himself he's been hiding for two years now. It isn't worth the pain.

“You're being ridiculous,” Harry says. “This has nothing to do with Louis, leave him out of it.”

Chloe sighs. “Whatever, Harry. I can't do this with you anymore. Just leave, come back when you figure out what the fuck you're doing with your life.”

If there's one thing Harry hates it's dragging a fight out, but he can't be here anymore. He nods and grabs his shirt before leaving, fleeing out of the hotel and into the lift. Half of him hopes Chloe will come after him, but she doesn't, not even when he waits out in the lobby for a half second longer than he should.

He gets all the way to Louis’ flat before it hits him what's just happened. Chloe is going to leave him. She's going to leave him, and take Jude, and Harry can't handle that. It’s entirely his fault.

He knocks on the door to Louis’ flat and waits.

There's a moment where Harry is sure no one’s going to answer. Why should Louis answer, really? It’s late, he’s probably sleeping, and if he isn’t it’s not like he owes Harry this. He should always have to be the one comforting Harry after a fight. Finally, though, the door swings open to reveal Louis, looking unbearably inviting in his joggers and jumper, talking on the phone.

“Alex, love, I'll have to call you back,” Louis says once he sees the expression on Harry’s face.

Harry winces. Alex, Louis’ boyfriend. He doesn't like Alex, but he doesn't usually like any of Louis’ boyfriends. Chloe's words play over again in his mind.

_I've seen the way you look at him._

“Darling, what's wrong?” Louis whispers, reaching out for Harry's hand.

Harry shrugs, sniffling as Louis carefully pulls him into the flat. It's late, and Louis’ lights are all off. Jude is nowhere to be found.

“He's sleeping in his cot,” Louis says when he notices Harry looking around. “I've put it in my room, I was about to go to bed.”

Harry nods. “I'm sorry,” he says. “I didn't mean to interrupt you and Alex.”

“It's alright, we were just talking,” Louis says. “He likes to call me at night when he isn't home.”

Harry can only nod once more. “That's nice,” he croaks out.

Louis watches him for a moment before wrapping his arms around Harry's waist. “Oh, darling,” he sighs. “What's wrong?”

“Chloe and I fought,” he mumbles.

“On your date night?” Louis asks.

Harry nods. “She's really mad, Lou. I think she's going to leave me.”

“She isn't,” Louis says. “You've just had a little argument, you'll be fine. Come on, let's cuddle.”

Really Harry shouldn't go with him, but he can't stop himself as he follows Louis back to his bedroom.

Just as he'd said, Jude is asleep in his cot beside Louis’ bed, his arms above his head and mouth hanging open like always. Harry smiles and carefully reaches down into the cot, picking Jude up in his arms.

He stirs a bit but settles when Harry cuddles him close. Harry sighs, pressing his nose to Jude's curls and smiling.

“Did you give him a bath?” He asks.

Louis nods and then cringes. “We might’ve had a bit of a nappy disaster,” he says. “But don’t worry, Jude took a bubble bath and everything is in the wash now. Besides, I like the way his baby soap smells.”

“Thank you,” Harry murmurs. “Do you mind if I put him in the bed?”

Louis looks concerned. “What if you squish him?”

“I won't squish him,” Harry replies. “He sleeps in our bed every night. Just lay beside me, I'll set him up.”

Harry carefully pulls a few of Louis’ many pillows out to section off a piece of the bed for Jude to sleep in. He then lays down beside his son, reaching out and gently running his hand over Jude's face.

If you had told Harry four years ago that this is what his life would be, he would've laughed. He never would've believed he'd have a baby, never would've believed he could love anything as much as he loves this little boy.

“He looks like all the pictures of you when you were a baby,” Louis says, wrapping his arm around Harry's waist. “Anne and I think he's going to grow up to look just like you.”

Harry smiles and presses his lips to Jude's forehead just for a moment. “I like sleeping with him,” he whispers to Louis, like they’re back to being kids and spilling secrets during sleepovers. “I like watching him dream, and listening to him breathe, knowing he's okay and he's safe. He's so small, Lou, he needs me to protect him.”

“You do a perfect job of it,” Louis whispers back. “Do you want to tell me what you fought with Chloe about? Maybe I could help.”

Harry could almost laugh. He doesn't, though. He rolls over on his back, looking up at the ceiling for a moment.

“Chloe and I haven't slept together in three months.”

It feels so good to say it out loud.

“Jesus,” Louis mutters. “Maybe you should put him in the cot once in awhile.”

Harry covers his laugh with his hand and shakes his head. “It isn't that,” he whispers. “It’s…it's me. I can't-Jesus, this is embarrassing. Never mind, I don't want to talk about it.”

“Aw it's alright, love,” Louis teases him. “I'm sure lots of guys have trouble getting it up. And in your advancing age, it's really to be expected.”

Harry groans and shakes his head. “I can't believe I told you that, leave me alone,” he says. “You're the worst.”

“Babe,” Louis laughs, draping his arm over Harry's chest. “I'm only joking. I'm sure it's just a rough patch, Chloe isn't going to leave you over this.”

“She thinks it's because she's ugly, or something, and that fucking hurts because she's beautiful. But she doesn't believe me, why should she? I don't want it to be like this, I don't know what's going on.”

Louis hums, drawing nonsensical patterns over Harry's shirt. “I'm not sure either, my love. You'll figure it out, though, yeah? You'll work it out, the two of you. No marriage is perfect, especially when you're so young.”

“Yeah,” Harry breathes. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Try to sleep for now, love, it's late,” Louis murmurs. “I love you, H. It'll all work out, I promise, you'll work it out.”

Harry closes his eyes and focuses on the patterns Louis draws on his chest until he falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

_December, 2005_

Louis shows up late to Christmas at Harry’s mum’s house, smiling sadly when Anne greets him at the door.

“I'm sorry love,” he sighs when she hugs him. “Something came up.”

Anne shakes her head. “Darling, you're perfectly fine. I was a bit worried when you didn't call, that's all, I know the roads are awful with the snow.”

“I'm okay,” Louis says, but Harry can tell straight away that he isn't.

His eyes are rimmed red and he's sniffling a bit as he greets Gemma and Chloe. He picks Jude up immediately, blowing raspberries against the boy's neck to make him giggle.

“Lou, I missed you,” Jude says, grabbing Louis’ face with both hands so he can smack a kiss on Louis’ cheek.

Louis smiles. “I missed you too, little lad. Have you had a good Christmas? Get everything you wanted?”

“Uh huh,” Jude nods. “Thanks for my present, Daddy helped me build it. I love you.”

“Well I love you too, my darling,” Louis replies. “And you’re very welcome, I know how much you love car sets. Never grow out of that, or else I’ll have no clue what to buy you.”

Harry approaches, frowning. “Lou, what's the matter?” He whispers.

Louis shakes his head. “Nothing’s the matter.”

It's obvious Louis doesn't want to talk about it now, so Harry doesn't push. He just hugs Louis tightly and kisses his temple.

They eat dinner together, talking and laughing, and Louis seems to feel a bit better by the time Jude has been put down and Anne's gone to bed.

Chloe, Louis, Gemma, and Harry stay sat in the living room long after they're asleep, drinking mulled wine and talking about life. Gemma’s recently made the move to London to start a new job, and it’s when she’s talking about it that they finally understand what’s got Louis so upset.

“You'll have to come see my flat,” Gemma's saying to Louis. “Bring Alex as well.”

Louis winces. “Um, well actually Alex and I broke up.”

Chloe gasps. “What? Lou, no. When?”

Louis laughs a bit and checks his watch. “Well, right as I was leaving Lottie's, so maybe six hours ago now.”

“Oh, love,” Gemma breathes, wrapping her arm around Louis’ shoulders. “I'm so sorry. Why?”

“We had a fight,” Louis says, running his thumb over his empty wine glass and frowning. “He wants…he wants _more_ than I do. I know we've been together for two years, but I just don't feel like I'm ready to marry anyone just yet you know?”

“He left you over that?” Harry practically growls.

Louis nods and rolls his eyes. “Whatever, I'm fine. I'll be fine, it just sucks.”

“Who breaks up with someone on Christmas?” Chloe asks, reaching out to run her hand through Louis’ hair.

“Someone who intended to propose on Christmas and got turned down, I suppose,” Louis tries to joke.

Gemma sighs and rubs Louis’ shoulder. “I'm sorry, Lou. Do you want more wine?”

Louis laughs. “Yeah, thanks.”

“C’mon, Chloe,” Gemma says jumping to her feet and gathering everyone’s glasses. “We can open the bottle you brought for Mum.”

As soon as they're gone Louis turns to smile at Harry. “You can say it Haz,” he mutters.

“I'm not saying anything.” Harry replies.

Louis rolls his eyes. “No? Not even an I told you so?”

“No, Lou,” Harry says, inching closer to Louis. “Just that I'm sorry. I'm sorry he did that to you.”

Louis laughs and wipes at his eyes. “It's just a proposal, H.”

“Yeah, but he did it knowing you aren't out, and knowing you aren't comfortable with marriage yet. And now he's made you feel bad for it instead of just waiting until you were ready, that's a shitty thing to do to someone you're supposed to love.”

Louis sighs. “I can't blame him, though. I don't know how long it's going to be before I can come out.”

“He could've waited,” Harry replies. “If he really loved you as much as he claimed he would've done anything to keep you.”

Louis turns his face against Harry's neck and sniffles. “Just feels like shit,” he mumbles. “I feel like I’m never going to find someone like you did. Feel like I’m never going to have the family I’ve always wanted.”

“Oh, Lou,” Harry sighs, wrapping Louis up in his arms. “You will, okay? Anyone would be lucky to have you, I know that, and you’ll find the right guy someday. They’ll come along right when you least expect it.”

Louis sighs and pushes himself closer to Harry, digging his fingers into the wool of Harry’s jumper. “What if I have met them,” he whispers, sounding terrified of that thought. “And they got away? They didn’t want me?”

“They’ll come back,” Harry replies. “They’ll realize all they’ve missed out on and come back. You’ll see, Lou.”

Tears wet the collar of his jumper where Louis is laying, but neither of them mention it. They stay together like that, Harry holding Louis tightly and trying to comfort him until Gemma and Chloe come back to coo at him and coddle him through heartbreak with wine and reassurances.

But all Harry can think about is what Louis had said, and he spends the rest of the night wondering who exactly was the one that got away from Louis.

 

* * *

 

_January, 2007_

Harry’s house feels like a war zone.

They send Jude off to his mum’s for the weekend, just to get him away from the constant fighting. It’s escalated now that Harry’s home from tour, less passive aggressive phone calls and more screaming at one another from across the house, tears, and slamming doors. Neither of them want Jude around that, but Harry knows that the boy can tell something is wrong when they drop him off at Anne’s.

It’s a Sunday night and Harry is due at the studio early in the morning to start recording the next album with the boys. Instead of sleeping, though, he and Chloe are screaming at one another about anything that comes to mind.

“You’ve been fucking other people on tour, haven’t you?” Chloe yells. “It was so convenient for you when no one knew about Jude and I-”

“No, Chloe,” Harry interrupts. “I would never cheat on you, and you know that! This whole fight is so fucking stupid.”

Chloe laughs and shakes her head. “I can’t fucking do this anymore, Harry. I can’t be married to someone who doesn’t love me.”

“I love you-”

“You’re not in love with me, Harry, and you never have been,” Chloe spits. “Admit it. The whole reason we got married was because you thought it was best for Jude. But it isn’t, Harry. This isn’t best for anyone, especially not for Jude.”

Harry shakes his head. “We can work through this,” he says, practically begging her now. “We can move past it, it’s a rough patch.”

“Our entire marriage has been a rough patch,” Chloe says, softer now. “Because you aren’t in love with me, Harry. You aren’t, and you know that.”

That only makes Harry shake his head harder. “I am,” he says, trying to convince himself. “I’m in love with you, I am, I am-”

“Darling, you aren’t,” Chloe whispers.

“What do you want me to say?” Harry asks, tears springing to his eyes. “I was eighteen-I thought that was what you did when you had a baby. I thought it’d be best for him, I was trying to be a good father, I was trying to support you and…being-being what I _am_ didn’t fit into that.”

Chloe looks so hurt, but to Harry’s surprise she doesn’t kick him out. Instead she opens her arms to him and Harry falls into them. They’re best friends above all else, and what Harry really needs right now is someone to talk to.

“Harry,” she whispers. “What are you saying?”

Harry sniffles. “You know what I’m saying.”

“I do,” Chloe agrees. “But I want you to say it out loud. I want you to hear yourself say it, and believe it. I don’t want you to suffer anymore.”

Harry shakes his head. “I can’t,” he mumbles. He’s spent so long hiding this part of himself, pushing those thoughts away, trying to convince himself it isn’t real.

“You can,” Chloe says, gently raking her hands through Harry’s curls as he lays his head in her lap. “You’ll feel so much better for it, H. We can move on. We can both move on.”

Harry squeezes his eyes shut, wishing he were somewhere else, _someone_ else. The words are clawing at his throat, begging to be released, and he’s crying. It’s been so long since he’s let himself recognize this part of himself, so long since he mulled the words over in his mind, imagined how he’d tell people.

“I’m gay,” he whispers, and it feels like a giant weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. “I’m gay, Chloe. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Chloe gently lifts his head up and she’s crying as well. “Oh, Harry,” she murmurs. “Darling, it’s going to be okay. Come here, you don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay.”

He hugs her tight, sobbing into her shoulder, his chest heaving. Chloe holds him, rubbing his back and gently rocking them side to side. She’s whispering in his ear, telling him how proud she is, how much she loves him, how it’s going to be okay now.

“I tried so hard,” Harry whispers, because he needs someone to recognize it.

Chloe shakes her head. “You shouldn’t have had to. I’m sorry, Harry.”

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I never meant to hurt you, Chloe. I hid it for so long, I thought I could do it forever.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Chloe says again. “I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with me. You deserve the same thing.”

Harry shakes his head. “I love you,” he says. “I’ve always loved you, Chloe.”

“But you aren’t in love with me,” Chloe replies. “You’re in love with Louis.”

The words hit Harry hard and he’s crying all over again. Chloe holds onto him and sighs.

“It’s okay, Harry,” she whispers, though she can’t possibly know that. It reminds Harry so much of Louis all those years ago, promising everything was going to work out. He’s been waiting so long for that to happen, he hopes that it will soon.

Chloe runs her hand through Harry’s curls and sighs. “It’s all going to work out.”

 

* * *

 

_July, 2008_

They’re on a beach in Fiji when the news breaks. Louis is helping Jude paddle around in the ocean and Chloe is sipping on some fruity alcoholic drink with Anne under an umbrella. Harry walks out of the rental that’s been their home for the past week and lets himself breathe it in for a moment.

“Lou!” Jude shrieks. Harry looks over just in time to see Louis picking Jude up and throws him through the air and back into the water. He bobs back up again seconds later, giggling loudly and splashing his arms around.

“Louis, careful with my son!” Chloe teases.

Louis laughs, shaking the water out of his hair and falling onto his back to float. “Do you hear that, Jude?” Harry hears him whisper to the boy as he wades through the water to them. “Sounds like Mummy’s a real party pooper today.”

“Louis, that’s mean,” Jude giggles, laying back as well to copy Louis’ pose. His little life jacket keeps him upright but Louis still reaches out to grab onto his ankle before he can float too far away.

“You’re probably right,” Louis concedes. “We love your mum, don’t we? Even if she tries to spoil our fun.”

“Yeah, Mummy’s the best,” Jude agrees.

Harry smiles at the two of them and swims up to Louis’ side. “Hello, boys. What are you both doing out here?”

“Chilling,” Louis replies, kicking his feet a bit to keep himself from going under.

Jude nods, glancing over to his godfather before pulling the same face as Louis, closing his eyes and smiling. “Chillin’, Daddy,” he confirms.

“Ah, I see,” Harry says, reaching under the water to hold Louis up with a hand to his back. “You two boys too cool to hang out with me, then?”

Jude giggles and peeks an eye open to look at him. “You can hang out too and chill, Daddy.”

“You should feel lucky,” Louis says. “We don’t let many people chill with us.”

“What an honor,” Harry laughs.

From across the water, Chloe yells, “Jude, darling come here you need more sunscreen on!”

Jude makes a face. “I hate sunscreen,” he mumbles. “Sticky and gross.”

“You don’t want to burn, do you love?” Louis asks.

Jude sighs. “No, but it isn’t even cool.”

“I wear it,” Louis says.

And in an instant, Jude’s perception entirely changes. In his eyes, anything Louis does is the absolute height of coolness. He copies his godfather in everything he can, from the way he dresses to what he says. The easiest way to get Jude to do something is to convince him Louis does it as well.

“I can go put it on too, then,” Jude decides.

Louis smiles. “Do you need help swimming over, lad?”

“No, I can do it, I’m a big boy.”

With that, Jude rolls over onto his stomach and starts splashing away. Harry follows him until the water gets shallow enough for him to walk, at which point he starts running off to Chloe. Harry smiles at her and she nods her head towards where Louis is still floating before bringing Jude back over to their rental house.

Harry swims back to Louis, who is now upright again and kicking himself out further into the sea.

“You’re going to float off,” Harry warns him. “We’ll never see you again.”

Louis sighs. “Wouldn’t that be a dream.”

Harry frowns and swims up to him, taking Louis’ hand and pulling him over. It’s just deep enough here for Harry to be able to stand on tiptoe, but Louis would go under if he tried. Harry reaches out and wraps an arm around Louis’ waist, squeezing him.

“Babe,” he whispers. “It’s fine, yeah?”

Louis nods, eyes seeming so much more blue when they’re contrasted by the clear water. “I know,” he mutters. “I’m just scared, I guess. I don’t want this to be all I am, you know? I’m still me, I’m still Louis, but I just feel like everyone is going to generalize me as that gay guy.”

“You’re too brilliant for anyone to ever do that,” Harry replies. “And besides, there’s nothing wrong with it. Imagine all the people you’re helping right now just by going out there and being who you are. I needed someone like you growing up, someone to look up to.”

Louis sighs and leans his head on Harry’s shoulder so they’re floating together. “You’re right,” he says. “I’m just nervous, I guess. Nervous to see how everyone’s going to react, if we’re going to lose money and fans-”

“Louis, stop,” Harry says. “If we lose fans, they’ll be fans we never would’ve wanted in the first place. I have no interest in anyone who judges and hates other people for things they can’t control, and I know that Liam and Niall feel the same. You're our first priority.”

Louis nods, reaching out to run his hand over Harry’s back. “Thank you for coming here with me,” he murmurs. “I just needed to spend this time with my family. I couldn't just sit there and wait to see people reacting to me coming out.”

“We all love you, Lou,” Harry whispers back. “And we’re proud of you.”

Louis smiles against Harry’s bare skin and lifts his head to look around. The beach is secluded, no one around for miles. The only person watching is Anne, sipping her fruity drink under the umbrella and watching the two of them float around.

And then Louis is kissing him, wrapping his legs around Harry's waist, draping his arms over Harry's shoulders and kissing him. Harry smiles and kisses him back, holding on tight to Louis’ thighs so as not to drop him.

“I'm proud of you,” Harry whispers.

Louis smiles and reaches out to push a curl behind Harry's ear. The sun is starting to set behind him and he looks so beautiful. A thought comes to Harry, a thought he can't push away.

This should be permanent. Harry should come out too. He should marry Louis and keep kissing him like this for the rest of his life, making sure that this never ends.

But then the absolute overwhelming fear crashes over him like a wave. People will hate him. He's hardly come to terms with who he is, he isn't ready for everyone to know.

“Babe,” Louis whispers, leaning his forehead against Harry's so all he sees is Louis’ face. “Are you okay?”

Harry nods and leans forward to kiss him once more, pushing all of those thoughts away. “I'm okay,” Harry replies, feeling so in awe of this absolutely beautiful boy in his arms, the sunset, his mother smiling at them, and the waves lapping at their skin. “Absolutely perfect.”

 

* * *

 

_May, 2009_

Harry hasn't been this high in ages. It's been…he can't quite think straight, but it's been a very long time. They were together, the four of them, laughing and giggling on a tour bus, people had French accents. A while ago, then, just as he thought.

It feels almost like he's underwater. People talk and he smiles but he doesn't register what they're saying. He's at a club, and he's dancing, and he doesn't know what day it is anymore. He’s with a man, but then that man is gone, and then there’s a girl, and lights, and a club.

He hasn't been home in days, hasn't seen Louis or Jude since Louis made him leave in a fit of anger. He should call Chloe-

No, he can't call Chloe.

Memories flash like a film in his mind, and god he wishes it was. The phone call, Chloe's broken body, the doctor apologizing and saying they'd lost her. The funeral which he hardly remembers. His son clinging to him and then to Louis, Louis crying and squeezing his hand. Leaving afterwards because he just couldn't take it.

_Chloe's dead. Chloe's dead. Chloe's dead._

He needs to get to Louis. He needs to go home, he needs Louis.

Only when he shows up at Louis’ flat, no one is there. When he calls Louis, no one answers.

“Harry?” Liam answers when Harry calls.

“Li,” Harry mumbles, stumbling out of Louis’ building. “Where's Louis?”

“Harry, where on earth have you been?” Liam scolds him. “We've all been worried sick about you, Louis said-”

“Where's Louis?” Harry says sharply. “Where's Louis, where's my son?”

Liam pauses for a moment and then says, “Last I heard he was at your mum’s. He has Jude there with him.”

“Thanks,” Harry mutters, and then he hangs up.

He calls for a driver to take him to his mum’s house, and passes out in the backseat. The driver has to shake him awake once they've arrived and Harry quickly stumbles out of the car and up the walk.

It only takes a minute or so of banging on the door for Louis to wrench the door open.

“What the fuck-Harry?”

Harry collapses against him, sobbing. “Louis,” he blubbers out. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Louis, please forgive me.”

“Harry,” Louis breathes, wrapping his arms around Harry's waist and hugging him tightly. “Oh my god. You're okay.”

They only stay that way for a moment before Harry mumbles, “I’m gonna be sick,” and rushes down the hall to the bathroom.

It takes only seconds for Louis to join him. He sits on the cold tile floor and gently pulls Harry's hair out of his face as he empties his stomach.

“Oh baby,” Louis is whispering.

Minutes later, Harry is laying in Louis’ lap, Louis running his fingers through Harry's sweaty curls.

“What are you doing this for?” Louis whispers to him, almost like he isn't expecting an answer. “I don’t understand, Harry.”

Harry coughs and shakes and croaks, “I want Chloe back. Don’t want to be me anymore. Wanna go back, want to go back to when everything was good. Glory days.”

“They aren't coming back, Harry,” Louis whispers. “Doing this won't bring her back. It won't bring us back, Harry, please I'm begging you to stop. For me. For Jude.”

Harry nods and closes his eyes. He'll stop. He'll wake up tomorrow morning, and fix this, and everything will be okay. He, Louis, and Jude are going to be okay.

Instead, Harry wakes up the next morning to find himself still on the bathroom floor, still in Louis’ lap. Louis is asleep sitting up against the bathtub and doesn't stir as Harry quietly gets up. He's itching for something, anything, a fix, as he calls a car and leaves.

Just one more hit, he promises himself as he leaves his mum’s house and his family behind. One more hit, and he'll stop. Just one more.

 

* * *

 

_April, 2014_

Harry knows that it's an important day but he can't quite remember why. He had been out all night drinking and partying and he feels like shit as he pulls himself up out of bed and pours himself a glass of whiskey from the bottle on his bedside table. A quick look at his phone shows a reminder.

_Jude's Birthday._

Shit. Jude's birthday, and it's already three in the afternoon.

A door slams downstairs and feet stomp up the stairs. Harry frowns and walks out of his room, opening his door in time to see Jude disappearing into his room.

He walks down to the boy’s room and pushes the door open to see his son setting a box down on his bed.

“Jude,” he says.

Jude jumps and turns to look at Harry for a moment. “Hi,” he says. “I didn't think you'd be here.”

“It's your birthday,” Harry replies, like Jude wouldn't know.

The boy nods and goes to his closet. “I know,” he says. “I'm staying the night with Louis. I'm just here to drop the present he got me off, and we're heading to Grandma’s for dinner and cake.”

Harry nods. He doesn't know what to say. Part of him knows he should make Jude stay here with him, but he can't. They've been fighting so much lately, maybe it's better for Jude to go to Anne's tonight. Harry had also planned on going on tonight, which factors in a bit.

Still, it's Jude's birthday. He's, what, eleven?

“You're eleven, yeah?” Harry says.

“Twelve,” Jude replies, throwing his now packed duffel bag over his shoulder and grabbing a hoodie. “I have to go, Dad. Bye.”

Harry frowns. “Wait, Jude-”

“It's fine, Dad,” Jude interrupts, avoiding Harry's eyes as he shoves by him. “Just go back to pretending I don't exist.”

Harry's heart gives a lurch. He should stop Jude and demand they talk, or go with him to Anne's. It's been ages since he's seen his mum, the last time Anne was taking Jude from him and looking ashamed that Harry is her son.

The front door slams and brings Harry back to reality. Jude's gone, a car revving in the drive as it takes off. Too late again, he supposes.

The box on Jude's bed calls to him. A gift from Louis, Jude had said. It's been so long since he's seen Louis.

Before he knows what he's doing, he's walking over to the box and opening it. There's a record player inside along with a card which he opens carefully to read.

_For my (not so) little lad_. _Every teenager needs a good record collection, so I figured I'd give you a head start._

_Love always,_

_Louis_

Harry opens the box containing the record player and finds a stack records on top of it. Without thinking, he plugs the record player in and sorts through the vinyls.

There's all of One Direction’s records, a few of newer bands, some records that are older and obviously well loved. Harry recognizes them as Louis’ from when they were kids.

And then at the very bottom of the pile is a record unlike the others. There's no cover art, just _Hey Jude_ scrawled in big letters across the front in what is unmistakably Louis’ handwriting.

Before he realizes what he's doing, Harry is carefully slipping the record out of the sleeve and putting it on the player. He lifts the needle and carefully sets it down, listening to the soft crackle of the vinyl before Louis’ voice comes through clear as day, accompanied by a piano.

_Hey Jude, don't make it bad_

_Take a sad song and make it better_

_Remember to let her into your heart_

_Then you can start to make it better_

Harry doesn't realize he's crying until the tears fall onto his hands. He hiccups as the song continues, Louis’ beautiful voice that he hasn't heard in so long sounding so clear and perfect.

_And anytime you feel the pain_

_Hey Jude, refrain_

_Don't carry the world upon your shoulders_

Harry lays down on the carpet in front of the record player, watching it spin, listening to the beat pick up. He's missed this, missed the sound of Louis’ voice, missed _Louis_. He closes his eyes for a moment and imagines it's years before.

Imagines it's him and Louis in a recording booth with a tambourine, trying things just to make each other laugh. He can still remember the smell of their old recording studio, faint remnants of pot and Liam's cologne he once spilled on the carpet. He can still remember that rush he got when he ran out on stage to sing with his three best friends, with the love of his life at his side.

The song quietly fades out while Harry still lays there on the carpet of his son’s room, crying and wondering how he got here.

 

* * *

 

_July, 2016_

The center Harry’s been living in for the past few months is so sterile and white it's almost shocking walking outside in the mornings for his daily run. It's his last morning here, and he's still yet to tell anyone.

He doesn't really know what he's going to do with himself now. He hasn't called anyone in his family this entire time, not Jude, not his mum, not Louis. He's been allowed to, encouraged even, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

It's partly because he doesn't trust himself. For a long time he thought he would check himself out at any point and just leave Jude with Louis, go off on a bender, maybe just die. He hasn't, though, and now his doctor is saying things like he's okay to go home and giving him numbers to an outpatient facility and addresses to AA meetings.

But now he doesn't know what to do, so he calls his mum.

“Hello?” Anne answers.

Harry breathes out slowly, tears gathering in his eyes. “Mum,” he croaks. “It's Harry.”

“Oh darling,” Anne breathes. “How are you?”

Harry shrugs, leaning against the wall where the phone hangs. “I'm okay,” he says. “How are you, how's Jude?”

“I'm fine, love,” Anne says. “Jude's fine as well, he and Louis went on a trip. They're staying in the cottage for a couple of weeks, taking a bit of a holiday.”

Harry nods. “I'm glad,” he says, and he is. He's glad Jude's doing well. “I um. I'm being released today.”

Anne gasps softly. “Baby, really? You are? How long have you known that?”

“Like, a week,” Harry admits.

“Why didn't you call?”

“I didn't want to bother anyone,” he says. “I also didn't want to call anyone and say something that would turn out to be a lie.”

Anne sounds confused when she says, “Like what?”

“Like that I'm okay to leave,” Harry says. “Or that I'm staying, or that I won't relapse. A lot of things, Mum.”

“You still should've called,” she scolds him. “We would've loved to hear from you. All of us, Jude and Louis included.”

Harry shakes his head. “I doubt that.”

“Stop it Harry, those boys love you. They want you to get better.”

But all Harry can think of us all those months ago when he begged Louis to stay, begged him to understand and Louis had stared at him with nothing but absolute disgust.

_I cannot stand you_ , he'd said. _I hate you for what you_ _’ve done to Jude._

And Harry can't blame him, not when he hates himself so much too. Not when he saw the way Jude so obviously did not believe him when he promised he’d get better. Not when he felt and heard himself say such awful hateful things to the man he loves and didn’t care for even a moment.

“You should go there tonight,” Anne decides. “When you’re out, you should go and stay with them there for two weeks and work everything out.”

Harry cringes at the thought. “Mum, they won’t want me there.”

“Yes they will,” Anne says, sounding incredibly sure. “Go, Harry. I’ll call Louis and tell him.”

“What happens if he says no?”

“I’ll talk to him, he won’t say no,” Anne replies. “I love you, Harry. I’ll see you soon.”

Harry sighs and nods. “I love you too, Mum,” he mutters, and then he hangs up.

It doesn’t take him long to pack his things, he hadn’t brought much, just some clothes and a bag he picks up at the front desk before he leaves. His car is still right where he left it, though he’s a bit worried it won’t turn on after being left there for so long.

It does, though, and soon he’s off on the familiar ride home. He made this drive so many times over the years, usually to see Jude and Chloe again after a tour, later with Louis in the passenger seat to have a barbecue in the back garden and celebrate being alive.

The sun has long since set when Harry pulls into the familiar gravel covered drive. Louis’ car is parked out front and he can see a light on in the front window. The rest of the house is dark, though, and he’s worried they may have gone to bed when he gently raps on the door.

But then suddenly Louis is there, opening the door to him, and Harry sees him clearly for the first time in years.

He’s just as beautiful as Harry has always remembered him, but scruffier looking now. He’s let his hair grow out a bit, like Harry has, as well as his beard, and there are a few dozen new tattoos Harry doesn’t recognize. He looks sleepy and inviting and everything Harry wants.

Harry doesn’t realize he’s just standing there staring until Louis says, “Well, it’s your house, so I guess I don’t have to invite you in.”

Their conversation is a bit stilted until Louis excuse himself to make a cuppa, even though it’s far too late for that. Harry stands in the middle of his old living room and feels tears well up in his eyes. It’s been so long since he’s been here, so long since he’s let himself remember his old life. A life that now feels ages away.

While Louis makes his tea, Harry sits in front of the crackling fire and closes his eyes, letting the heat of it make his skin ache.

And he doesn’t know how, but soon they’re talking, and Harry’s apologizing, and he’s explaining some of the things he feels need explaining. Louis looks unsure of him, as he should be, but they talk about Jude, and about rehab, and Chloe. It hurts hearing Louis talk about the promises he made, about how he feels he’s failed somehow.

Harry thanks him for all he’s done for Jude, because he’s never properly done so. No, instead he’s spat and sneered and said terrible things about Louis trying to steal Jude from him when all Harry was doing was pushing his son further and further away.

The clock on the wall ticks loudly as they lay on the floor together, Louis whispering to him to go to sleep. He closes his beautiful blue eyes and reaches out to rest his hand over Harry’s, and Harry could almost cry.

“Goodnight, Harry,” he murmurs.

It takes only seconds for Louis to fall asleep, but Harry can’t. He can only sit and watch the way the light of the fire dances across Louis’ skin and how his chest rises and falls and the feeling of their hands brushing one another.

“I love you, Louis,” Harry whispers to no one. “I’ve missed you so badly. I’m so sorry.”

There’s no one around to hear, and maybe that’s what makes it so easy for him to say it.

 

* * *

 

Louis slams the door shut on his way out of the house and now Harry and Jude are alone, which is really Harry’s worst nightmare. His son is glaring at him with complete disgust, something he hasn’t stopped doing since he found Harry laying on the floor at staring at Louis this morning.

“I meant what I said earlier,” Jude says. “I want you to leave Louis alone.”

“Love, Louis is old enough to decide for himself what he wants.”

Jude rolls his eyes. “You're awful to him,” he says. “And I'm not going to sit and watch you lead him on.”

“Jude-”

“No, I don't want to talk to you,” Jude says. “Leave me alone. You've done nothing but lie and hurt me and Louis ever since Mum died.”

Harry sighs, and shakes his head. “Jude, I'm your dad. You can't just ignore me forever.”

“I've got a dad, thanks,” Jude says, and Harry's heart hurts. “Louis is my dad. Louis raised me after Mum died. Louis remembers my birthday, Louis helps me with school, Louis knows all of my teachers, and he takes me to therapy, and doctor’s appointments, and he brings me to Grandmas for Sunday roast with Aunt Gemma, and he loves me. He's always there when I need him, no matter what. You haven’t been anywhere, you don’t even know me.”

Harry feels an intense sort of jealously he's never felt before in his life. Not the normal sort of jealously he felt when he saw Louis with other men. This awful betrayal deep in his stomach, knowing this is entirely his fault.

“Darling,” he whispers. “Talking to me isn't betraying Louis.”

“But it's betraying what I want,” Jude says. “Louis’ home is my home. He doesn't pick up and move every couple of months just for the hell of it. He's the only stable thing I have in my life and I don't want to go with you.”

Harry sighs loudly and runs his hand through his hair. They both go quiet and Jude leans back on the sofa, chewing on his bottom lip while he does something on his phone that makes cartoon noises.

“He um,” Harry starts. “He has a boyfriend?”

Jude nods, paying attention to his phone rather than Louis. “Zayn,” he says. “I don't like him.”

Something they agree on, then.

“Does Louis know you don't like him?” Harry asks.

Jude shakes his head. “I don't tell him,” he says, looking up from his phone finally. “I want him to be happy, and he wouldn't date anyone I don't like.”

Harry nods. “He loves you a lot, Jude. Always has.”

“I love him too,” Jude says.

“And I love you,” Harry whispers. “I do, Jude. You're my son, I'm always going to love you, and I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. I know an apology is hardly enough-”

Jude shrugs. “It's fine, Dad,” he says, throwing his lanky legs over the couch and standing up. “Just make sure remember this speech for the next time to you relapse and get clean for a week. I promise to pretend like it's the first time I'm hearing it when you repeat it back to me.”

With that, Jude storms out of the room and Harry is left alone.

He hiccups through his sobs and hardly notices he isn't alone anymore until a fluffy head appears in his lap. Harry looks down and smiles.

“Hi,” he whispers to the dog, who immediately starts panting through what looks like a big goofy grin. “You're George, aren't you?”

The dog huffs and stretches out on the couch, laying half of his lanky body in Harry's lap. Harry reaches out and gently scratches behind his ear and smiling through his tears.

“Chloe always wanted a dog named George,” he whispers softly.

Of course the dog can't say anything but he pushes his head closer to Harry's stomach like he knows Harry needs this.

Harry sniffles and wipes away his tears with the back of his hand before going back to gently petting the dog while he cries.

 

* * *

 

_August, 2016_

Harry follows behind Louis’ car on the way back. Jude is in the car beside him, feet thrown up on the dashboard and singing along to the radio. Harry smiles at him. 

“You're excited, huh?” he says.

Jude nods. “Yeah,” he replies. “I can't wait for you to see it, you're going to love it. I've got the best room, besides Louis’.”

Harry smiles. They've decided the best course of action would be for Harry and Jude to move in with Louis. The next few months are going to be hard, being out of rehab and back to the real world where temptations are easy to find.

He needs a support system, and Louis has decided he's that support system. Besides, going back to his house where he still has needles laying around the bedroom wouldn't be a great idea. Louis already has someone coming to clean and pack it up for them.

They pull up to a tall building that looks like it's almost all glass. Harry parks beside Louis who jumps out of the car with George, not bothering to put a leash on the dog while he grabs his bags.

Jude jumps out to help, which mostly mean he plays with George and baby talks to him.

Harry gets out, grabbing his duffel bag from the back of his car. He walks over to Louis and gently lays one hand on Louis’ lower back as he leans over.

“Are you sure about this?” Harry asks.

Louis throws Jude's bag over his shoulder and stands up straight just to kiss him. Harry's missed this so badly.

“Positive,” Louis confirms. “I want you better, so I'm going to help you get better. Besides, Jude doesn't want to go back there, and I don't want either of you back there.”

Harry nods. “Thank you,” he whispers.

“Don't thank me, love.”

They walk into the building together, George happily trotting alongside Jude. Louis smiles at the people who pass, obviously knowing basically all of his neighbors.

“How long have you lived here?” Harry whispers to him as they enter the lift.

Louis frowns as he thinks it over. “Five years or so, I think? I've bought the penthouse. I think someday I want to live out in the woods, but it's nice for now. Near the office and close enough to get to charity things and the recording studio if I need to.”

Harry nods and backs away as the doors slide shut. They ride up to the top floor where Louis herds all of them into his flat. George takes off running to a corner where he flops down onto a dog bed, immediately tearing through a box for a squeaky toy.

“I'm gonna go put my stuff back,” Jude says, and then he's running off up the stairs.

Louis sighs and rolls his eyes. “He stomps everywhere he goes,” he says. “Going to kick right through the stairs one of these days.”

“Rotten kid,” Harry jokes.

Louis smiles. “He takes after you.”

“How dare you, Louis,” Harry laughs, leaning in to kiss him.

“Come on, I'll show you where you can put your bag.”

Harry follows Louis up the stairs. They pass by a door that's shut with loud music coming from behind it which is obviously Jude’s room, and a door that's cracked open to show a disorganized desk overlooking a wall of windows.

“This is the guest room,” Louis says, pushing a door open at the end of the hall. “And I'm here, across the hall.”

Harry glances at the guest room, which has a simple bed and wardrobe, before following Louis into his room. It's a mess, because Louis has always been unorganized. The bed is unmade but looks almost unbearably comfortable with more pillows than one person could possibly need piled up everywhere.

“Thank you, Louis,” Harry says, watching Louis flit around the room and pick up a bit.

Louis just waves his hand and stops for a moment to kiss Harry before moving on. “Don't thank me, love. I just want you and Jude to be happy.”

“You make us happy,” Harry whispers.

Louis smiles. “Then I’m doing my job,” he says. “Now, wouldn’t you like to make me happy?”

Harry perks up at that, eyes widening and eyebrows shooting up. Louis throws back his head and laughs.

“Harold! No, god. I meant, you could make me happy by ordering me a pizza while I try to clean up this mess of a room.”

Harry pouts but nods, leaving the room but not before kissing Louis soundly on the mouth. He’s walking to the steps when Jude’s door opens and he’s suddenly being hugged around the waist tightly.

“Thanks, Dad,” Jude whispers. “For coming with us. I really think this is going to be good for everyone.”

Harry smiles and gently runs his hand through Jude’s curls before hugging him back. “I  think so too, darling,” he sighs. “I really do.”

 

* * *

 

It's hard for Harry to sleep. The sun has long since set and it's raining softly outside, drops sliding down the window Harry's been staring at for an hour. When it becomes obvious that sitting here staring won’t do anything, Harry gives up.

Carefully, Harry pulls himself up out of bed and gently opens his door. He takes a deep breath, and walks across the hall to Louis’ room.

There's no noise, and when Harry slowly opens the door he finds Louis fast asleep in his bed, naked back on display, duvet settled around his waist.

“Louis,” Harry whispers as he walks over to the bed. He sits down on the edge of the bed and pokes Louis in the back. “Lou?”

“What?” Louis mumbles, turning his head to the side and frowning. “Haz?”

Harry nods. “I can't sleep,” he whispers.

“Such a baby,” Louis murmurs. “Nothing changes. C’mere.”

Harry crawls into bed beside Louis and smiles as he soon finds himself wrapped in Louis’ arms. Louis pulls the duvet up around them and drapes his arm over Harry's chest before closing his eyes once more and resting his lips against Harry’s skin.

“Thanks, Lou.”

“Shh,” Louis sighs. “Go to sleep, baby.”

Harry closes his eyes and makes himself comfortable in the sea of pillows and blankets and Louis. It feels right being back at Louis’ side, cuddling like they had for years.

“Love you,” Louis whispers.

Harry smiles. “I love you too.”

It feels so good to be back in Louis’ arms where he belongs. It feels so good to be home.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, this happened. I'm still not entirely sure why, it just came out like word vomit. I just had a lot of Harry's POV I thought I should share with everyone. I hope you enjoyed this absolute angst fest xx
> 
> [You can find me here](https://amories.tumblr.com)


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